Happy Holidays!!

I'm Back

Yes, I am back from, well, from a place where I never again plan to visit. But let's not get all doom and gloom..Life is good, my outlook is sunny, so lets get to it!

Get to what? Um, not sure...Get to moving forward, get to not just surviving, but thriving..Get to the "prize", get to the soft and fuzzy again. In other words, get to the good stuff..

So, while I get to all of those rainbows and unicorns, I will be bringing QT with me, leaving H far far far behind..I will also  bring you folks (anyone still there?) along..

The holidays are here and with them, complications and challenges are emerging..More about that in my next post..

For now, stay warm and happy!
xo

QT's Birthday and Technical Difficulties

First off, I know I have been a terrible blogger..I know I know..{{Hangs head}} But I have been experiencing some technical difficulties..More about that later..

Lets talk about my toddler!!!! QT had a birthday! He turned two..And no, I cannot believe that my little miracle, my little meatloaf is a walking, talking, one toddler wrecking machine..He laughs all the time is easy going and sweet.  I am so very grateful, he is here against all odds and is thriving. 

Yes, against all odds.  According to the doctors, a baby for H and I was out of the question, due to fertility issues, the detail of which I won't bore you..Suffice it to say we gave up..And I guess it is true, once you give up, that's when it all happens.  So yes, QT is a miracle..I think that is why he is so special, well that and the fact that he came out of MY body..

So, we threw a party to honor the blessed occasion of QT's natal day and much cake and coffee was consumed..  Most of my family doesn't yet know of my impending divorce and I certainly wasn't going to announce it.  Consequently, there was no tension or awkwardness between them and H.  His mother on the other hand....Well, just leave it at the..

Ok, so onto the technical difficulties...It has nothing to do with a computer or a website, and everything to do with my home.  It was invaded about three weeks ago.  It was invaded by H.  He decided that it was best for him to move back in, and on advice from his lawyer, to not tell me (he moved out in June)..So imagine my surprise when he showed up with QT and announced that he had moved back in..Needless to say it did not go over well with me, for so many reasons.  I won't list them as I am sure you can imagine...

So the technical difficulty has been to diffuse and rectify this situation.  It has been a trying time and has tested so much of my will, psyche and soul.  I view it as another tunnel to pass thru on my way to the brighter, happy, sunny and bright times..And I know they will be bright, with QT by my side, anything can happen..I know now, more than ever, who I am and how strong I can be..

I hope these difficulties are resolved soon.  It is too bad there is not a help desk we can call to "fix" marital problems...

I Reach Out From the Inside

Ever have ONE of those days? You know, those days that make you crave a pair of jammies, a blanket, a cup of hot tea and some old black and white movies? A real close the blinds turn off the ringer kind of day..

Well, I had one yesterday..Physically I was not at my best.  My stomach was doing it's best to remind me of my stress related IBS flare ups and my sinuses were on fire, I was tired and my eyes hurt..Add that to the never ending divorce drama and some substantial staff movement where I work and it was a recipe for disaster..It was all I could do to get thru the day intact..I did it, I made it thru..

In the past, before QT and really even before I was married, these type of days ended with me in the aforementioned jammies, tea in hand hiding under a blanket.  Not anymore..After the hellish day at work, I had to pick QT up at daycare, get him home, fed, bathed and to bed..  It seemed like an impossible task..

In the car I blasted some loud music, trying to pump myself up, all that did was worsen my headache..As I rolled up to his daycare, I had no idea how on EARTH I would get thru the next few hours with an active toddler..

Well, I did it.  I reached all the way in, passed all of the other strength I have reached for,  and grabbed, the mother load...It worked.  When QT came running to me yelling "my mommy!" I happily reached out my arms..The rest of the night was the usual crazy fun time we always have.

I was proud of myself and gave myself a mommy pat on the back..I was doubtful of my ability to rise above the dark cloud surrounding me, but I managed. It is amazing how as a moms, we are able to find that inner strength and bag of patience to take care of our little ones..Honestly, QT is the only one for whom I can do that.

Wordless Monday

It's Friday!

Instead of exploring my feelings today, I would like to share a tune from my new girl crush, Pink.  She is a strong take no sh!t woman, plus she can sing! Anyhow, this is the version with the naughty language, I wonder if it wrong to say (or sing) the F word on a mommy blog??

Listen, watch and dance around..Have a great day!

Whoa

So I got a call from H yesterday, he told me that the divorce papers were sent to his attorney..Instead of having him served, I  had the papers sent to his attorney who will, in turn, serve him.  H then  has to sign them as an acknowledgement of being served and the official proceedings will then begin.

As they say at the racetrack "And they're off!"  Off and running, running away from a marriage that just didn't fit toward a life that I have high hopes for.

Even tho I knew the papers were drawn up and going to be delivered, when they were, and I got that call, my stomach dropped.  I think I may have even shed a tear (more about my aversion to crying another time).  Yes, I want this divorce, yes I started the process, but it still stung when I knew it was  to become a reality..

I have such mixed emotions right now, I can't even pull them apart to get a good look at them.  It's like when you have your phone charger cord wrapped up into your I pod charger cord and your camera charger cord is wound up in there too... Until you can carefully extract each cord, you can't use them...

That's it, my emotions are electrical cords all mixed together..

QT will be staying with H tonight, he has him every Wednesday night, so maybe I can get into my thoughts and feel them out...

Mommy's House

As I have mentioned before, QT is almost two. And like most mothers, I think he is quite smart.  He knows lots of letter and numbers.  He knows he has two feet and ten toes and that Elmo certainly does NOT go in the choo choo.

He also knows what is going on with his dad and me.  I wish I could get inside his little mind and take a snapshot.  On the way home from daycare last week, we were chatting away like we always do, well, more like me chatting and him giggling, when out of his mouth comes "mommy's house".  Huh? Okay, maybe he didn't say what I thought he said.  The next day he said it again as we were pulling into our neighborhood.  I said "yes, we are going to mommy's house."  He knows now that mommy and daddy have different houses. 

I wasen't sure how to feel about this..

The little guy is aware that mommy and daddy don't live in the same house.  On one hand, that is a good thing, he is aware of his surroundings..On the other hand, is it taking something away from him? Some sort of innocence lost? On still another hand, could it somehow benefit him to have two houses? I mean think about it...Two rooms, two sets of toys..From what I can see, he does not seem to be adversely affected.  Sometimes when H and I do the hand off QT gets upset, he did yesterday when I picking him up from H's house..But that didn't last long, about 10 minutes of crying, then he was fine..But was he?

There is no doubt that this divorce will have some sort of impact on QT, I suppose only time will tell what sort of impact it will have..

I Finally Said It..

Sometimes things are not real until they are said, out loud, to others.  For me, the fact that H and I are getting divorced didn't feel real until I told an almost complete stranger. I was at a party over Labor Day weekend and was chatting with a friend of the host.  The next thing I know, I am telling her that I am about to go through what I fear will be an ugly divorce...There it was, the words hanging in the warm end of summer air that was full of laughter and the scent of grilled food..

The reality is setting in.  I am about to divorce my husband, the father of my child.  We didn't even make it to our 5 year anniversary.  So common, yet so cliche'.  I am facing being a single mom, single with a capital S. 

The funny thing is, the transition so far, feels seamless.  H moved out in June and QT has been going back and forth since.  Being alone doesn't feel odd or lonely as H travels alot, so I was home on my own a good chunk of the time..The difficulties for me revolve around being away from QT for more than an overnight, I start to get anxious and uneasy..Also from the feeling that I failed.  I failed at being married.  As most of us are, I am NOT good at failing.  But on this one, I have to accept it and move along.

And what exactly does "moving along" mean? I have no effing clue..

So, come with me and lets figure this out together, shall we? Ill grab the gin, you bring the vermouth.

This song brought me to tears this morning...The lyrics fit with my mood prompted by my situation...

Welcome

Welcome to my new blog.  Pull up a chair and our yourself a cocktail.  To paraphrase Betty Davis in "All About Eve", this will be a bumpy ride.

My life is at a crossroads right now, my husband (lets call him H) and I are heading for a trial separation.  We have a toddler (lets call him QT, get it? QT? cutie??)..I am at a loss as to how this separation will work out, my hope is that it will bring us back together as a family. 

I would hate for QT to be exposed anymore to the fighting and tension that has invaded our home.  Right now, I really just want H to leave the house.  He is on the hunt for a place to live.  We have yet to figure out how long our time away from each other will be.

My therapist told me that in order to figure out what all of this means to me, I need to peek inside the cloud that has been following me for months.  To really dissect it to get to the root of all this unhappiness.  So, that is what I will try to do in this blog.

So join me on this ride..Don't forget to buckle up..