I Reach Out From the Inside

Ever have ONE of those days? You know, those days that make you crave a pair of jammies, a blanket, a cup of hot tea and some old black and white movies? A real close the blinds turn off the ringer kind of day..

Well, I had one yesterday..Physically I was not at my best.  My stomach was doing it's best to remind me of my stress related IBS flare ups and my sinuses were on fire, I was tired and my eyes hurt..Add that to the never ending divorce drama and some substantial staff movement where I work and it was a recipe for disaster..It was all I could do to get thru the day intact..I did it, I made it thru..

In the past, before QT and really even before I was married, these type of days ended with me in the aforementioned jammies, tea in hand hiding under a blanket.  Not anymore..After the hellish day at work, I had to pick QT up at daycare, get him home, fed, bathed and to bed..  It seemed like an impossible task..

In the car I blasted some loud music, trying to pump myself up, all that did was worsen my headache..As I rolled up to his daycare, I had no idea how on EARTH I would get thru the next few hours with an active toddler..

Well, I did it.  I reached all the way in, passed all of the other strength I have reached for,  and grabbed, the mother load...It worked.  When QT came running to me yelling "my mommy!" I happily reached out my arms..The rest of the night was the usual crazy fun time we always have.

I was proud of myself and gave myself a mommy pat on the back..I was doubtful of my ability to rise above the dark cloud surrounding me, but I managed. It is amazing how as a moms, we are able to find that inner strength and bag of patience to take care of our little ones..Honestly, QT is the only one for whom I can do that.

Wordless Monday

It's Friday!

Instead of exploring my feelings today, I would like to share a tune from my new girl crush, Pink.  She is a strong take no sh!t woman, plus she can sing! Anyhow, this is the version with the naughty language, I wonder if it wrong to say (or sing) the F word on a mommy blog??

Listen, watch and dance around..Have a great day!

Whoa

So I got a call from H yesterday, he told me that the divorce papers were sent to his attorney..Instead of having him served, I  had the papers sent to his attorney who will, in turn, serve him.  H then  has to sign them as an acknowledgement of being served and the official proceedings will then begin.

As they say at the racetrack "And they're off!"  Off and running, running away from a marriage that just didn't fit toward a life that I have high hopes for.

Even tho I knew the papers were drawn up and going to be delivered, when they were, and I got that call, my stomach dropped.  I think I may have even shed a tear (more about my aversion to crying another time).  Yes, I want this divorce, yes I started the process, but it still stung when I knew it was  to become a reality..

I have such mixed emotions right now, I can't even pull them apart to get a good look at them.  It's like when you have your phone charger cord wrapped up into your I pod charger cord and your camera charger cord is wound up in there too... Until you can carefully extract each cord, you can't use them...

That's it, my emotions are electrical cords all mixed together..

QT will be staying with H tonight, he has him every Wednesday night, so maybe I can get into my thoughts and feel them out...

Mommy's House

As I have mentioned before, QT is almost two. And like most mothers, I think he is quite smart.  He knows lots of letter and numbers.  He knows he has two feet and ten toes and that Elmo certainly does NOT go in the choo choo.

He also knows what is going on with his dad and me.  I wish I could get inside his little mind and take a snapshot.  On the way home from daycare last week, we were chatting away like we always do, well, more like me chatting and him giggling, when out of his mouth comes "mommy's house".  Huh? Okay, maybe he didn't say what I thought he said.  The next day he said it again as we were pulling into our neighborhood.  I said "yes, we are going to mommy's house."  He knows now that mommy and daddy have different houses. 

I wasen't sure how to feel about this..

The little guy is aware that mommy and daddy don't live in the same house.  On one hand, that is a good thing, he is aware of his surroundings..On the other hand, is it taking something away from him? Some sort of innocence lost? On still another hand, could it somehow benefit him to have two houses? I mean think about it...Two rooms, two sets of toys..From what I can see, he does not seem to be adversely affected.  Sometimes when H and I do the hand off QT gets upset, he did yesterday when I picking him up from H's house..But that didn't last long, about 10 minutes of crying, then he was fine..But was he?

There is no doubt that this divorce will have some sort of impact on QT, I suppose only time will tell what sort of impact it will have..

I Finally Said It..

Sometimes things are not real until they are said, out loud, to others.  For me, the fact that H and I are getting divorced didn't feel real until I told an almost complete stranger. I was at a party over Labor Day weekend and was chatting with a friend of the host.  The next thing I know, I am telling her that I am about to go through what I fear will be an ugly divorce...There it was, the words hanging in the warm end of summer air that was full of laughter and the scent of grilled food..

The reality is setting in.  I am about to divorce my husband, the father of my child.  We didn't even make it to our 5 year anniversary.  So common, yet so cliche'.  I am facing being a single mom, single with a capital S. 

The funny thing is, the transition so far, feels seamless.  H moved out in June and QT has been going back and forth since.  Being alone doesn't feel odd or lonely as H travels alot, so I was home on my own a good chunk of the time..The difficulties for me revolve around being away from QT for more than an overnight, I start to get anxious and uneasy..Also from the feeling that I failed.  I failed at being married.  As most of us are, I am NOT good at failing.  But on this one, I have to accept it and move along.

And what exactly does "moving along" mean? I have no effing clue..

So, come with me and lets figure this out together, shall we? Ill grab the gin, you bring the vermouth.