Whoa

So I got a call from H yesterday, he told me that the divorce papers were sent to his attorney..Instead of having him served, I  had the papers sent to his attorney who will, in turn, serve him.  H then  has to sign them as an acknowledgement of being served and the official proceedings will then begin.

As they say at the racetrack "And they're off!"  Off and running, running away from a marriage that just didn't fit toward a life that I have high hopes for.

Even tho I knew the papers were drawn up and going to be delivered, when they were, and I got that call, my stomach dropped.  I think I may have even shed a tear (more about my aversion to crying another time).  Yes, I want this divorce, yes I started the process, but it still stung when I knew it was  to become a reality..

I have such mixed emotions right now, I can't even pull them apart to get a good look at them.  It's like when you have your phone charger cord wrapped up into your I pod charger cord and your camera charger cord is wound up in there too... Until you can carefully extract each cord, you can't use them...

That's it, my emotions are electrical cords all mixed together..

QT will be staying with H tonight, he has him every Wednesday night, so maybe I can get into my thoughts and feel them out...

Mommy's House

As I have mentioned before, QT is almost two. And like most mothers, I think he is quite smart.  He knows lots of letter and numbers.  He knows he has two feet and ten toes and that Elmo certainly does NOT go in the choo choo.

He also knows what is going on with his dad and me.  I wish I could get inside his little mind and take a snapshot.  On the way home from daycare last week, we were chatting away like we always do, well, more like me chatting and him giggling, when out of his mouth comes "mommy's house".  Huh? Okay, maybe he didn't say what I thought he said.  The next day he said it again as we were pulling into our neighborhood.  I said "yes, we are going to mommy's house."  He knows now that mommy and daddy have different houses. 

I wasen't sure how to feel about this..

The little guy is aware that mommy and daddy don't live in the same house.  On one hand, that is a good thing, he is aware of his surroundings..On the other hand, is it taking something away from him? Some sort of innocence lost? On still another hand, could it somehow benefit him to have two houses? I mean think about it...Two rooms, two sets of toys..From what I can see, he does not seem to be adversely affected.  Sometimes when H and I do the hand off QT gets upset, he did yesterday when I picking him up from H's house..But that didn't last long, about 10 minutes of crying, then he was fine..But was he?

There is no doubt that this divorce will have some sort of impact on QT, I suppose only time will tell what sort of impact it will have..

I Finally Said It..

Sometimes things are not real until they are said, out loud, to others.  For me, the fact that H and I are getting divorced didn't feel real until I told an almost complete stranger. I was at a party over Labor Day weekend and was chatting with a friend of the host.  The next thing I know, I am telling her that I am about to go through what I fear will be an ugly divorce...There it was, the words hanging in the warm end of summer air that was full of laughter and the scent of grilled food..

The reality is setting in.  I am about to divorce my husband, the father of my child.  We didn't even make it to our 5 year anniversary.  So common, yet so cliche'.  I am facing being a single mom, single with a capital S. 

The funny thing is, the transition so far, feels seamless.  H moved out in June and QT has been going back and forth since.  Being alone doesn't feel odd or lonely as H travels alot, so I was home on my own a good chunk of the time..The difficulties for me revolve around being away from QT for more than an overnight, I start to get anxious and uneasy..Also from the feeling that I failed.  I failed at being married.  As most of us are, I am NOT good at failing.  But on this one, I have to accept it and move along.

And what exactly does "moving along" mean? I have no effing clue..

So, come with me and lets figure this out together, shall we? Ill grab the gin, you bring the vermouth.

This song brought me to tears this morning...The lyrics fit with my mood prompted by my situation...

Welcome

Welcome to my new blog.  Pull up a chair and our yourself a cocktail.  To paraphrase Betty Davis in "All About Eve", this will be a bumpy ride.

My life is at a crossroads right now, my husband (lets call him H) and I are heading for a trial separation.  We have a toddler (lets call him QT, get it? QT? cutie??)..I am at a loss as to how this separation will work out, my hope is that it will bring us back together as a family. 

I would hate for QT to be exposed anymore to the fighting and tension that has invaded our home.  Right now, I really just want H to leave the house.  He is on the hunt for a place to live.  We have yet to figure out how long our time away from each other will be.

My therapist told me that in order to figure out what all of this means to me, I need to peek inside the cloud that has been following me for months.  To really dissect it to get to the root of all this unhappiness.  So, that is what I will try to do in this blog.

So join me on this ride..Don't forget to buckle up..